


Everyone's Drunk and Bingo Hurts

by otatop



Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Babysitting, Body Swap, Drunk Writing, I Was Drunk When I Wrote This, Lots of alcohol, M/M, Proposals, Puppies, Redemption, Severe Injury, boozicals the musicals, horrible penis petnames, meet the parents, prompt bingo, sick day
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-01
Updated: 2013-10-01
Packaged: 2017-12-28 02:32:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,528
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/986629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/otatop/pseuds/otatop
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trope prompt bingo where every turn starts with a shot.<br/>8. Prompts<br/>8. Shots</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everyone's Drunk and Bingo Hurts

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Stormysaslytherin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stormysaslytherin/gifts), [JoulesIsIronic](https://archiveofourown.org/users/JoulesIsIronic/gifts).



> After the first 2 shorts for the Free Space and the first prompt, I was already drunk (because /someone/ accidentally made all my drinks stronger).  
> Unedited, unbetad, yadda yadda. Kept them all in one so laughs could be had in one go

1.PUPPIES- Shots 1&2

“GIMME GIMME GIMME!”

“Stiles no.”

“Don’t be a hoarder, Derek.”

“I’m not _hoarding_. I’m nurturing.”

“Nurturing my ass,” Stiles muttered, wholly aware that Derek could hear him as he was sitting right next to him. With the _puppy_.  The werewolf side-eyed him and clutched the squirmy ball of fur closer to his chest and Stiles heaved a heavy sigh. “This isn’t like the time with the baby. I kept didn’t let you hold him because you exude despair and babies can sense that shit or something. Puppies, on the other hand, cannot. Let me hold it.”

“It’s not an _it_ , Stiles. She’s a girl, and she needs to learn who her alpha is.”

Stiles sputtered indignantly. “You’re _not_ even an alpha anymore, you can’t pull that shit.”

“Dogs are different from werewolves. I’m her owner, that makes me her alpha. She needs to learn that young.”

“Did you forget the part where she’s _ours_? What about when you go to work, huh?”

Derek’s face turned soft as he looked down at the big, adoring eyes of the baby beagle gnawing on his finger and gave a quiet little “Yea, maybe.” Stiles wanted to punch the look off his face because for one thing, _rude_ \- you’re not allowed to look all sweet and caring at a baby animal in the middle of an argument, and for another… well, no that was his only reason. Fucking werewolves and puppy-eyes and fucking Derek being all _caring_.

“You’re the worst,” Stiles grumbled and crossed his arms without making another argument.

 

2.  SICK DAY- Shot 3

 

“No.”

“Derek, c’mon. Please? For me?”

“How is this remotely for _you_?”

“Because this will _help you_ , you stubborn jackass, and I hate seeing you like this. Please?”

“Stop begging. It’s unbeco… unbecomm… uu…”

Derek let out a monstrous sneeze around the word, barely managing to cover his face with a tissue. Stiles pawed at his sweaty hair absently (and it’s _not_ totally because he read somewhere that wolves get physically attentive when one wolf is sick or injured. It’s _not_ ). The bedroom was overheated but the werewolf was still buried under a mound of blankets, red-nosed and bleary eyed and grumpy as ever.

“ _Please_ , Derek. I just want you to get better.”

“I don’t _need_ to get better. Nothing’s wrong with me.”

Stiles made a face only because Derek’s head was buried in his pillow and couldn’t see it. “That why you’re running a fever and sneezing every three minutes?”

“Yes,” Derek grumbled miserably, face squishing into the pillow but rolling slightly to lean into Stiles’ stroking hand. If it weren’t so pathetic, it might be cute.

“Just take the cold medicine.”

“I’m not _sick_. Werewolves don’t get _sick_.”

“Evidently, they do or we wouldn’t be wasting our sick days lying around crying _Stiles, the room is too cold. Stiles, I’m out of tissues. Stiiiillllessss, my sock came off, will you put it back on?_ ”

One of Derek’s hands shot up blindly but didn’t miss Stiles’ face. “You’re not allowed to make fun of sick people,” he relented with a sniffle. Pulling the pity card, was he?  Yea, see how that was gonna work out buddy.

“Alright, alright.” Oh, oops, ok yea so it worked pretty well. But could you blame him? How cute was this? “If you take this, I’ll go make you  some soup. The kind with the meatballs?”

Derek tilted his head to peak one eye open and pout a little up at Stiles. “Ok….” He surrendered pitiably.

 

 

3\. REDEMPTION- Shot 4

 

Derek looked down at the ring on the table. It was pretty plain, silver in color but he could tell it was anything but. Platinum maybe? White gold? He didn’t know exactly but figuring out what the ring was for was unmistakable.  

“You uh…” Stiles’ fingers around the box tensed and relaxed like he was trying not to fidget, the smell of sweat wafting up from underneath his button down. “You don’t have to… you  know,” he said quietly so that only Derek, and none of the other people in the restaurant, could hear.

He did. He _really, really_ did- had for a while even. But Stiles… he looked so small and young and _uncertain_ \- the man who fought and argued with him at every turn, pushing him to the limits and then some… he looked nervous.

“When I asked you last time… fuck, Derek, you looked so mad but you turned me down so nicely but I know. I _know_ that it’s right this time. I know. And so I’m asking you. Again. Will you marry me?”

Derek’s stomach turned a little. Stiles always hated public displays like this- he hated kissing in public or walking with Derek’s arm around his back. He barely even handled holding hands. For Christ’s sake, the first time he’d asked Derek to marry him it was in the parking lot of a Taco Bell and he’d had hot sauce on his lip and he hadn’t even been _looking_ at him. The word “no” had just fallen off his lips. And yea, ok, it had been a little too soon it but still…

This was… this was a lot.

This was them toying with the subject for months

This was Stiles going out of his comfort zone because he knew Derek so well, knew the silly things he’d always wanted when he was younger even if he didn’t _talk_ about them. He knew.

Derek reached down and wrapped his hand around the thin bones of Stiles fingers and the little velvet box.

“Ok,” he said simply. Stiles’ smile was blinding.

 

4\. MEET THE PARENTS- Shot 5

 

Stiles kneeled in the frosted grass, a bouquet of peonies in his sweaty palm.

“Uuuh, hi,” he started lamely. Obviously, the hunk of marble didn’t respond. “So, I know this is a little late in the game, aaaaand I know the way I found you is probably illegal, but sometimes Derek needs a push, and if I know him, he followed me here and is standing in the tree line listening to everything I say to you.”

He placed the flowers down at the base of the joint headstone, then turned to lean against it the way he leans against his own mothers grave.

“I’m Stiles, I guess… Hopefully you already know that. Derek isn’t much of a talker but I like to think he at least tells you things. Me? Not so much. He doesn’t really tell me anything, actually. But that’s not the point. The point iiiiisss…. Well, I don’t really know if I came here with a point. Or, I did, but I’m _really_ sure Derek is somewhere listening to me because he’s a _fucking creeper like that_.”

As if on cue (or as if he’d been standing there like a weirdo) Derek walked up beside Stiles from the opposite side of the slab and mimicked his sitting position. Stiles acknowledged him with one single look, and then went back to what he’d come there to do.

“So since Derek isn’t much of a talker and I am, I thought I’d clue you in on some things. You probably already know this, but you raised one swell guy.”

“Swell?” Derek teased in a whispered laugh. Stiles resolutely ignored him.

“Yea he sure is _swell_ ,” Stiles stressed. “A really stand-up guy. Good job, by the way.” His words were sarcastic but his tone said otherwise. “Peter told me what he was like as a teenager and _whew_ , glad I missed those years. But really… actually… I came here to tell you that he’s doing pretty ok. Maybe even great?”

From the corner of his eye, he saw Derek raise one of his expressive eyebrows. “Yea. I’d go with great. All things considering, of course. But still great. Not the best, hate to burst your angelic bubbles, but this guy is a real piece of work, you know that? I accidentally bought crunchy peanut butter and he pouted until I made him his favorite chicken pot pie as an apology. If I were a lesser man I’d ask you to haunt him a little and spook him into shape.”

Derek rubbed the back of his head bashfully. Stiles’ bumped shoulders with him and didn’t pull away.

“But really. He’s doing ok,” Stiles finished.

 

5\. BODY SWAP- Shot 6

 

Derek watched his own body lean down awkwardly and palm at the belt of his pants.

“Absolutely not.”

“Derek this is fucking _ridiculous_ ,” His body responded, the cadence of his voice too similar to Stiles’ to be anything but. “I had an entire cup of coffee. I can help it that everything about your body has freaky werewolf powers _except your bladder_.”

“You are _not_ going to the bathroom. Deaton said the potion takes three hours. Hold it.” His voice was lower than he was used to, the tune of it heavily reverberating in his head. He ran a hand through his hair, the strands slipping through unfamiliarly like a new trim. It wasn’t that he was _embarrassed_ , per say. It was just the thought that he’d really like for Stiles to see him from a different angle. A more _appreciative_ angle, if you will.

“Dereeeeek,” Stiles whined, now clutching at his jean-clad crotch and doing an embarrassing little dance. “I swear to fuck if I don’t piss now I will just let it out and I won’t change my pants until we’re in our own bodies again and _you can’t make me change pants_ because _I_ have the werewolf strength here and _fuck you.”_

Stiles stomped out of the bedroom in the stolen body to the bathroom just down the hall. Derek let himself curse violently in his solitude, arms coming up and an aggravated noise escaping his throat. He hated this. He hated that he couldn’t hear or smell or sense or know _anything_. It was like his livelihood had been stripped and stolen from him and was in the other room _pissing_. Fuck, he just wanted to claw open his own chest.

 _Except that he didn’t have claws_.

Stiles came back into the room slower than he’d left, cheeks ruddy under the dark scruff. His own cheeks were probably just as red and he wished he could see.

“So, uuuh,” Stiles said smartly. “I hope you don’t think this means my fantasies about you are going to be any less detailed because _wow_ , let me tell you, _wowza_.”

“I hate you.”

Stiles threw up his arms. “What, did you want me to go in blind and make a mess? Because excuse you, I clean the bathroom. And also, fuck you, I thought that Camaro was compensating for something but _ho-hoooo_.”

“Stop,” Derek pleaded.

“We are _so_ using this to my advantage.” Stiles made a lude gesture at the crotch of Derek’s body.

 

6\. BABY SITTING- Shot 7

 

“I don’t understand.”

“You just… lay him down and put on a new diaper.”

“But why is he crying.”

“Because that’s how babies tell you they need something. It’s up to the adult to figure out what that crying means.”

“But I can smell that he needs to be changed. Why does he have to cry, too?”

Stiles wanted to coo at Derek more than his nephew, wanted to pinch his cheeks and tell him how cute it was that he thought that. He held himself back and instead made a gesture at the infant in the car seat on the couch.

“Baby 101- they don’t give a fuck if you think you know anything- they’re gonna cry about it anyway.”

The look Derek shot him was one of pure scandal and Stiles raise a brow at him. The werewolf took him by the bicep and pulled him away from the couch. “ _Swearing_ ,” he reminded in a low, bit off tone. Stiles shoved him away.

“Oh my god, he’s fucking two months old, he doesn’t even know what his own _poop_ is. Just change him so he’ll be quiet until Scott comes back to pick him up.”

“Why don’t _you_ change him?”

“Because I am not blessed with an over sensitive nose- which is super creepy b t dubs. You’re totally more equipped to make sure he’s clean.”

Derek looked down at the crying baby with panicked eyes. “Right,” he said despite the radiating off of him. “Change his diaper. Clean. Should be easy. We changed him when he peed, right?”

Stiles nodded at the hopeful look the werewolf shot him and pat him on the shoulder. “Totally right. Exactly the same as pee.”

 

7\. HORRIBLE PENIS PETNAMES- Shot 8

 

“SSsssssshhhh…..”

“Don’t even…”

“-long under my thong.”

“That is by far the worst.”

“Only because I can’t think of anything that rhymes properly with _banana_. Which, yea ok, a lot of things _could rhyme technically_ but _properly_ is totally another thing.”

Derek looked down at the condom forlornly. “I knew this was a bad idea.”

“No, no, no!” Stiles rushed out, grabbing Derek’s dick with one hand and stroking the side of his face with the other. “This was an _ok_ idea- and besides, it was mine! Flavored condoms, we can cross that off the list. At least this experience wasn’t as embarrassing as the time we thought honey would make a good lube.  
  
Admittedly, it had been a joint effort both times, but Derek still blushed like his life was ending. 

“You can’t even look at it properly, Stiles.”

“Yea, well, I just had some really embarrassing flashbacks to practicing deep-throating on a banana in high school, so if you’ll excuse me for having a little second-hand embarrassment for my younger self.”  
  


 

8.WHAT IS HAPPENING- No more shots; too drunk

SEVERE INJURY

 

 

STILES WOKE UP IN A HOSPITAL BECAUSE THAT’S HOW TROPES WORK.

THER’S A WHOLE LOT ABOUT HIM FEELING INADEQUATE BECAUSE HE’S A WEAK LITTLE HUMAN BUT FROM DEREK’S POINT OF VIEW HE’S TOTALLY STRONG AS SHIT AND USEFUL AND HE’S PROBABLY _HIS MATE_ WHICH IS BULLSHIT.

SO YEA, STILES WAKES UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND HE’S ALL

OW WTF

AND HE PROBS DOESN’T REMEMBER HOW HE GOT THERE.

OR HE DOES BUT HE LIES AND SAYS HE DOESN’T BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT THE SHERIFF TO KNOW THAT HE REMEMBERS BECAUSE IT’S TOTES GREUSOM.

AND THEN DEREK IS THERE BECAUSE HE PROBS HAS LLOTS OF DEEP FEELIGNS FOR STILES THAT HE TRIES TO CONVEY WITH HIS EYEBROWS BUT STILES DOESN’T KNOW THAT BECAUSE HE DOESN’T HAVE A PHD IN EYEBROWS THAT’S JUST NUTTY.

AND THEN THERE ARE P[ROBABLY THINGS THAT HAPPEN AND STILES MIGHT SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS DEEP FEELIGNS HE HAS FOR DEREK BECAUSE HE’S ON DRUGS AND SHIT AND DERE IS ALL-

I DON’T’ KNOW HOW TO HANDL THIS SITUATIONJ BUT I AM SECRETLY PLEEEEASED

ANDSTILES GOES BACK TO SLEEP BECAUSE DRUUUUUGGGS

AND DEREK PROBABLY DOES NICE THINGS WITH THE PAIN SUKY THING AND WHEN STILES WAKES UP THEY ARE ALL BLUSHING AND CUTE AND RE-ADMIT THEIR LOVE FOR EACH OTHER.

 AND SO THEY’RE IN LOVE AND THEY HAVE MAGICAL WERE-BABIES.

 

 

9\. H7NUTELLA ANDJ SPICE GIRLS CAN GO FUCK TJEMSSLEVES OP[

WHY ARE YOU YELLIGN AT ME

]

BOZOE

 

3Y3B4IIIII2WW’

 

“?

 


End file.
